totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
