Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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