I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
