Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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