I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
