Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
