We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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