The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
