You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
