I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
