ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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