He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
