all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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