i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm having to shit out rocks
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
