i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You ate ashes out of my bong
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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