At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My bed smells like the plague
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
