i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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