i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
