Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
