you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
