There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
