Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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