my being single is dangerous.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
