I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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