he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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