What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
then he tried to convert me to islam
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
