You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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