Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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