"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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