Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
