I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
