I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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