I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just found puke in my bra..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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