i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
