This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
