Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
