I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
