cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i dont even know how to be here
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
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