the condom got lost in my hair
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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