She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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