It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
