There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
