do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
