Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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