she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I understand Curling. That high.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
