Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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