I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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