I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
