I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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