I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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