he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
